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I'm thinking a lot lately about those on the Other Side. (It's the season for it, right?)

I'm going to leave aside issues of genetic or adoptive ancestors right now. (I might deal with them in a journal entry next week.) Instead I want to deal with spiritual ancestors, and specifically vampyric ones.

I expressed some of these thoughts earlier this week to members of my House. I'm going to try to distill some of them down for public consumption.

For many of us, vampyrism is a spiritual path. We seek zhep'r -- personal evolution, Becoming.

I know that the Ordo Strigoi Vii talks about disincarnate vampyric spirits, which they call "Strigoi Morte". (The Temple of the Vampire has comparable, in how they talk about "Vampire Gods".) They accept that the Strigoi Morte have a hand in both our individual and our communal zhep'r ... but at least in the outer court materials, there's very little discussion of what the Strigoi Morte's involvement looks like.

The only exercise we're given for how to work with the Strigoi Morte is the Sanguine Mass. There, we present the collective Strigoi Morte with energy which they refine and present back to us, "transubstantiating" the wine in our chalice into pure power and zhep'r, which we then drink down.

It's not clear why the Strigoi Morte would do this for us. As evolved predators, surely they don't do much out of altruism. Are we being duped, by freely presenting the Strigoi Morte with a meal?

But I say: not so fast. The Strigoi Morte are perfect (or near-perfect) in predatory vices, but they are also perfect in honor, grace, beauty, and virtue -- in short, they are paragons of our condition. We living vampyres hold dear the siring and mentorship of new members of our community. I expect the Strigoi Morte care for me in much the same way, and for much the same reasons, my sire does.

Not every living vampyre is called to relationship with a sire or a House; many stay ronin. And I'd say not every living vampyre is called to relationship with the Strigoi Morte, either. But for those of us who are, denying us relationship with these patron spirits (say, on the grounds that we don't really "need" the connection, or might be preyed upon by the Mighty Undead) would be like saying we don't "need" a relationship with a sire or a House. We indeed don't, but for many of us it makes our road to zhep'r much easier, more straightforward, less lonely -- and the risk is worth the reward.

One more thing. Vampyric philosophy is fiercely proud and individualistic. We are predators, not herd creatures; we may bend knee, but of our own Will, and only to those we deem worthy of respect (such as elders, or our sires).

Most outer court vampyric materials I've encountered deal with the Strigoi Morte as a collective, with no distinct individuals. I think this is a fine way to get to know them.

But if we accept that the Strigoi Morte are the Undead members of our vampyric family, who hold the same values that we do, I think we need to open ourselves up to the idea that when an highly-evolved vampyre dies, they do not merely become a face in a collective. They are as fierce, strong, and individualistic as ever, and are willing to reach out to us as individuals -- if we will make the time to hear them and see them.

There's a little more on my mind, like I said -- but those are the main ideas I'm working with. The Undead seem to be calling me to this work, to discover them and unmask them, and I am happy to pursue it.

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HocusPocus
00:39 Oct 26 2017

interesing

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I had a great time last night at the annual Vampire Ball here in Madison. (It's campy and kitschy, not put together by the community, but it's a hell of a good time.)

But ...

I present as female when I go out in my Nightside. I know how to play to my strengths -- it involves full makeup and a corset.

Last year I got cornered by a guy on the dance floor who firmly believed he'd seen me before in that outfit, and when I told him it was my first time wearing it (the Gods' truth) he basically called me a liar. A little creepy? But in the way where you roll your eyes, not the way where you talk to the management.

Last night ... he was back on the dance floor, same guy, in the same tacky red satin robe. (I feel very sure I've never seen him outside of that event.) He started negging me about what I was wearing, and asked me if I was "supposed to be" cosplaying Death with my ankh. (Hey: never ask anyone what or who they're "supposed to be" dressed as.) I told him no, and blew him off, and he left. Again: annoying but not creepy yet.

... and then found me again when I was sitting down and on my phone, thirty minutes later. Kind of semi-apologized, said he didn't mean to offend me. Got REAL close. Drunk, maybe?

It's cool, I said. I leaned away and tried to shut him down with my body language. I was scared.

He kept on pressuring, despite every cue I tried to give him. Finally he loudly proclaimed he was "just trying to have a conversation" and stormed off with an amount of frustration and anger that told me he thought I owed him something.

So: the kid's awkward and terrible at reading social cues. Or doesn't care. Or is drunk. (I have some empathy for all of these. I honestly don't think he meant any harm, he's just bad at boundaries.)

Maybe the burden was on me to say "you're making me uncomfortable, please leave" -- but when you're not sure if you're going to be assaulted, you sometimes freeze instead of taking action. And maybe the burden is on me to educate him about where he's falling down at this -- but I honestly don't give a shit about him except that he seems to think he has a right to my affection and attention (and possibly my body). And honestly, a nightclub with pounding music is not the place for that. I didn't go to the show to educate hapless, sexually aggressive fuckboys; I came to dance and drink and feed off the crowd's energy, and look and feel fabulous.

And this guy is apparently taken enough with me, and bad enough at this, that he's approached me across two different years, each time with a variant on a pick-up line. And while it's hard to discern a trend from only two incidents, he seems to be getting more aggressive as time goes on.

To my knowledge I've literally only seen this man three times in my life. So I'm not terribly worried about HIM (although it does make me wonder about attending the event next year).

But this is a general trend. I used to be very active in a local LGBTQ activist community that does a lot of charity work in drag, but I've tapered off a lot of that work because I'm very tired of getting casually groped or manhandled by strangers, or having people get physically intimidating with me. And just earlier this week on VR I had a stranger asking me about which set of genitals I have.

It's yet another incident in a long and troubling trend.

I am honestly very interested in getting local vampyric community together, like a court or a halo, but I'm realizing I don't just want that so I can meet with fellow vampyres.

I want it to be clear to outsiders that I'm not just a lone weirdo with an ankh at a nightclub. I'm valued by my community; I have a name and a role. If someone hurts me or becomes physically intimidating with me, the community will act to protect me, whether I'm a little fledgling or a sire with many childer and titles to my name.

When there are more folks around -- when it isn't just me -- that becomes a lot easier to have a certain weight behind my presence, that scares off weirdos and randoms.

In the meantime, I don't know what to do. Find a Mradu who's willing to help, maybe. But the community's pretty scanty, up here, right now. It's rough and I don't think there are any easy answers.

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Elizabethbathory33
19:12 Oct 24 2017

I can certainly understand and agree with you about this there are many men that can be a flat out jerk in which case or another they just don’t take a hint when it’s given personally for me I learned to be a woman who indeed insults either their intelligence or something like their pride when they don’t find the word NO suitable if anything I’m here for you and hope things get better

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Agdistis
03:04 Oct 25 2017

Thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot to me.

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Elizabethbathory33
17:08 Oct 25 2017

Of course, and your quite welcome. ^_^ I hope this gives you some ideas or could be helpful to you in any way. but no matter what, you’ll always have my support all the way take care ^_^

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Things have been rough for me lately. Dayside has been hard; I just finished up my first Saturn Return, and I did a lot of work for my family with little to no reward. (I learned my lesson and will never do that again.)

I finally returned home, and I took a long weekend to decompress. Today I planned to go back to work, but I realized I had a more pressing concern: ERRANDS.

I did all my errands, but then remembered it's Halloween soon and all the stores have good shit.

So I refreshed my makeup collection, bought some new stockings to replace my running ones, and shelled out for new fake eyelashes, a nice pair of shoes, and a poet shirt. I'm very excited to take them out on the town :)

I had a terrific time last night: VNV Nation came to Madison, and played the final night of their tour here. I attended in full Nightside -- just a smidge overdressed ;)

I hadn't ever seen them live before. I tend to think of them as dour and overly serious, but Ronan Harris (frontman and vocalist) is engaging, fun, funny, and dynamic. (I particularly appreciated how he revs up the crowd not by asking "ARE YOU HAVING FUN?" but by asking "IS EVERYBODY OK?" It's good to check in sometimes ;) )

I'm also glad I read them correctly: there's a powerful undercurrent of hope and joy through all their music. At first I thought it was just me, but it's definitely there and definitely deliberate.

I have a little heady history with the band: the man who introduced me to them, almost 15 years ago, was not very kind to me, to say the least. Last night they played that man's favorite song, and rather than closing down I opened up. I had been drinking from the crowd's energy all night, and I finally used that to cast a spell: to undo the damage done, and to never be hurt like that again. I have no doubt the spell was successful, and the end result was deep and cathartic for me.

Saturday we're having a Vampire Ball here in Madison. Facebook events and further details are here: https://www.facebook.com/events/1734867610149025/ I attended last year, and while it's not put on by the VC it's terrific fun. (It's orchestrated by some of the area's goth/fetish/industrial luminaries.) If you're in the area and you're going, please reach out to me. It would be wonderful to get to meet you.

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BestFriend
02:53 Oct 17 2017

oh nice sounds fun I love music also!

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Agdistis
04:41 Oct 18 2017

It's seriously one of my favorite things. We have some amazing DJs in town, and I wish I had more time/money to hit up the local club nights.

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